Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize