do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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