I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
