if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
These tits shall not be calmed
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
