mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
