Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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