I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
