I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
