my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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