cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
