Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
