I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
