God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
