I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
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