Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
