Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
