Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
