As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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