"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Randomize
