So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
