i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
