the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Randomize
