I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
