we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
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