My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
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