I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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