how can u be prego again
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
