I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Randomize
