Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize