Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
sarcasm needs its own font
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
