just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
