i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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