it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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