I think my fart just growled at me.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Bring me that man meat
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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