dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
