i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
