just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
