just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
