There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Randomize
