SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize