Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
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