i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize