Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I think that we as people have rights and that we should at the very least be warned before being subjected to Fergie
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
