The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
