I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
