Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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