I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I fill condoms, not promises.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
