my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
