it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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