is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
why does every cop we meet know your name?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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