i think i have two assholes
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
