if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
