Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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