Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Randomize
