I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
