that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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