good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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