Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
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