in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
